I’ve wanted to talk about this for many, many years. It’s a piece of so many women’s stories that is often ignored, overlooked, and dismissed. It’s a piece of my story I’ve seen many in this community connect to, even with only the glimpses I’ve let slip.
In the past, it’s felt like I had something to lose. Like my husband had something to lose. And so I kept quiet. Hoping that one day, on the other side, when relationship had been restored and reconciliation had been found that I could share the whole story, including the happy ending.
And while I still have that hope, my husband and I also have nothing to lose.
The title of this article comes from a poem by Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie, “For Truth-Telling – However Bitter or Sweet.” As I was preparing to release these words into your hands, I read an adapted version of it in my Lent study. And I cried.
“Blessed are you, refusing to reframe. Blessed are you, the sincere. You who speak honestly about what is right in front of you. Blessed are you, the Truth-Teller. And what a miracle it is when your candor finds a chorus that echoes back: ‘Same.’”
It was the Holy Spirit acknowledging what we’re about to do, and it was a promise from Him, too. These words will not return void.
See, the tale I’m about to tell you is a horrible one, rife with abuse, a secret language, mental health issues, and identity crises. It’s also a tale of Truth that does not abandon, Love that is actually unconditional, and Hope that always meets you where you are.
Because here’s the truth.
My in-laws hate me. Their patterns reveal that’s probably always been true.
This hate has showed me what Love – from God and from humans – really looks and feels like.
My in-laws abuse me. Emotionally, spiritually, verbally, psychologically.
This abuse has grown in me a discerning and prophetic wisdom that God is using to build our Kingdom.
My in-laws curse me. With the same mouth they use to claim their love for me.
This blasphemy has taught me the meaning of “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” God has taken their evil and used it for good - I look more like Him now.
I’ve spent a majority of the past five years protecting my in-laws, both publicly online and privately in conversations with trusted friends. Some of this was my way of respecting and honoring them, holding space for the possibility of change. When it came to this public space, though, my silence was far more about safety.
My in-laws and their coterie know this space exists, and on more than one occasion, the behavior of people connected to this family has risen to the level of cyber-stalking and online harassment. Even though I had said nothing.
Freedom is mine, though. Legally, of course, and also as my birthright in Christ.
I am free to tell the Truth for this is never dishonoring.
And while it still feels a bit reckless, I cannot deny the power of telling hard stories. Of inviting others into hard places. Of ministering to the hurt of others through my hurt redeemed. I will boast in my hurt because of what Christ can do with it through His power.
My hurt has been transformed to love, becoming a gift – to me and to you. And in the months to come (for there is so much to see and say and share), this is the gift I offer to you.
No one tells us being a daughter-in-law can break your heart, and in the midst of such awful in-laws, no one tells us that there is a Hope, a Light to cling to. No one tells us that despite being refused over and over and over again, we will still retain a desire to be loved by those who have no capacity to love.
Sister, I want you to know that you can have the worst in-laws in the world, and you can still live with freedom in those relationships, whatever they may look like. You can hold boundaries that honor this terrible rotten reality and believe that the God of the Universe can change those circumstances and relationships.
Just because you have nothing to show for years of trying with your in-laws; just because there is nothing left to say or try in a tense family situation; just because there is no way forward, does not mean that it is over.
There is a shared brokenness. a bucket full of similar experiences, among many of us daughters-in-law. And for some of you, these stories will remind you of your family of origin. These types of shattered relationships exist there, too, and my prayer is that these words will hold you also.
I’m going to tell you my story over the next few months. Not to gossip. Not to slander. Not to expose my family’s dirty laundry to the world, and not to change my plight.
But because hope matters.
At the end of my days, God is going to ask me if I obeyed His commands throughout my life, and I am resolved to give Him a confident, “I did.”
I’m going to tell you the story of an excited bride, shattered by her callous in-laws, confused by their cold embrace, and totally spinning out of control, no longer sure of who she was and who God made her to be. I’m going to tell you the story of a sick newlywed who got sicker through every interaction with her in-laws, trying to be who they wanted her to be, all so she would be loved and welcomed. I’m going to tell you the story of a healed wife, unafraid to say no, set boundaries, contradict their narrative, and hold her abusers accountable.
And I’m going to tell you the story of how God was present in all of those places. How He parted the seas of insanity and how He brought me to the Land of Abundance.
I’m going to tell you my story because it’s easier to do hard things when you know you’re not alone. Because it’s encouraging to see how someone else lived and thrived and saw God through it.
I’m going to tell you my story because God gets the last word always.
These stories – mine and yours – matter. They are evidence of evil working around us, and they are also evidence of God conquering evil.
And maybe, through my story, you’ll see Him that much more in yours.
Here’s to the journey ahead – talk soon.