If you’ve been around for a year or more, you know I cannot resist talking about love during the month of February. I know the timing is cliché, but I adore delving deep into this thing our culture cheapens and commercializes!
I was looking for a Valentine’s card for my husband the other day, and as I was browsing, I couldn’t help but notice the festive nature we surround and celebrate love with. Bright reds and pinks, glitter and sparkles and metallic bits adorning these declarations of love for significant others, friends, children, classmates, and even neighbors!
There was a section for wives, one for husbands, a portion for significant others/partners, and a place marked for grandparents. Gal pals had a region, and there was a “friends” section. There were even specific rows of love notes for a daughter or a son!
And tucked into an unobtrusive corner, there was a single Valentine’s card designed and made for a daughter-in-law.
As I walked out of the store into the cold February rain pouring from dreary grey clouds, I pulled my hood up against the wind, and I found myself wondering why the love of in-laws often feels more like that than the warm, cheery and celebrated love from everyone else.
We've all heard the stories, and we’ve all seen the movies.
Mother-in-laws demanding you show up for family events without considering your family’s schedule. Father-in-laws writing notes detailing the character of their ideal daughter-in-law with prayers you become that. Brother-in-laws that don’t speak to you, and sister-in-laws that block you on social media. Aunt-in-laws that act like you’re not married, and cousins-in-law that spend your wedding day predicting your divorce.
And still. So many of us walk into these bonus families yearning for their love and the invitation to belong. We arrive excited at the prospect of building relationship, finding common ground, and even bonding over the silly things as these people become part of our support networks.
We read that 60% of couples report problems in the daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship and 15% report a tense son-in-law/mother-in-law relationship, and yet, it does not stop our longing for the love of our in-laws.
We’ll spend years bending over backward to accommodate them, only to be called “unkind.” We’ll experience adverse health events affecting our participation in family events and say nothing when we’re called “manipulative.” Perhaps we’ll even discover they feel getting to know us is “an emotionally-draining chore,” and still, we give them access to our lives and hearts, hoping that one day, we’ll be loved.
At some point in my marriage, I read this article discussing the common stressors of in-law relationships, and the author commented, “in-law relationships can be tricky [because] there is no rulebook for them.” And all respect to this author, I totally, completely, and emphatically disagree.
I, like most children, was taught to “treat others how I would like to be treated.” And I, like many children, misinterpreted this advice on loving others from time-to-time.
For example.
One day, in my kindergarten class, I was sitting next to Alex* as he was grunting in pain. There was something in his eye. I told him to blink, a lot and really fast. Instead, he started squealing in pain as he held his eye open, drawing the attention of our teacher.
“Blink, Alex!” she instructed him. Alex wouldn’t blink, so I decided it was time to “help Alex like I would want to be helped if I had something in my eye and refused to blink it out.”
I punched him.
Really hard.
The surprise and the pain of it caused him to not only blink but start crying!
I felt very accomplished…I had helped! Alex’s eye was all better, and he didn’t need to go to the nurse!
Now, punching a classmate wasn’t considered “good behavior” in my Catholic kindergarten, even if it was just in the shoulder, and despite my good intentions and the helpful end result, my teacher had no choice but to turn my behavior apple red.
This was probably the first time I encountered the “intent versus impact” of behavior, and since my intent didn’t’ truly have a poor impact – Alex didn’t even bruise! – there were no true consequences for me. My teacher didn’t even call my mom!
It makes me wonder what would happen if sons and daughter in-laws treated their in-laws like they’d been treated. What would it look like for them to love their in-laws how they’d been loved?
We’d consider them “arrogant” for their experience.
We’d call them “nit-picky” for wanting to be respected.
We’d think them “opinionated” for sharing their Biblical convictions and study, and we’d call them “over-sensitive” for being hurt by narcissistic words and abusive behavior.
We’d tell them, “You’re not good enough” and label them as “critical” for saying, “that’s not love.”
We’d slander their character and call them “graceless” for holding us accountable.
We’d blame them for being angry after we maliciously twist their words; we would call them “selfish” for honoring the needs of their body; we’d consider them “closed off” for setting boundaries.
And we’d consider their request to be treated civilly “perverse.”
My senior year of high school, I realized some people have a different definition of “civil” or “love.” A teacher of mine requested my parents come in for a conference. Apparently, a classmate wasn’t handling my disagreement with her opinions and treatment of others very well.
But instead of correcting me, this teacher told my parents, “I am amazed at how Ava handles herself, and I’m deeply impressed with the character she displays. She is more than civil in the face of disrespect – she is downright compassionate and kind, even as other students attack her personally. And she never retaliates or engages in personal attacks. I’d appreciate if she would continue to show up in class the way she has been.”
And this makes me wonder, too.
If we used the definition of “love” our in-laws use…
We’d consider their ability to independently think a threat.
We’d demand they sin and violate their conscience.
We’d ignore the power and presence of women in God’s Kingdom and stipulate that women in the family must be subservient, subordinate, and submissive to the point of not having a voice, and we would call them “deceptive” for not conforming.
We’d let them know we don’t want them around and then consider them “exclusionary” for not wanting to be with us. As they age, we’d view their additional needs as “demanding,” and we’d view their growth and maturity as “controlling.”
We would call them an “instigator” for addressing conflict and seeking resolution.
And we’d believe them to be “disruptive” for engaging in and encouraging self-reflection.
There’s nothing tricky about love... unless you don’t actually know what love is.
We teach kindergarteners Matthew 7.12 and Luke 6.31 (treat others how you'd like to be treated) and expect them to treat their classmates accordingly, and we instruct 17-year-olds in Mark 12.31 and Matthew 5.44 (love your neighbor as yourself) with the expectation they embody the maturity to live it. We preach 1 Corinthians 13 (love is patient, love is kind, etc.) over every newlywed couple and expect them to live out Biblical love for the world to see.
We believe and teach that we should treat others respectfully and kindly, even if they don’t treat us that way, and then we tack “in-law” onto a name, and suddenly, Biblical love ceases to exist in so many stories.
We can experience love as something that harms and something that lacks, and we often experience love from our in-laws as something even worse, but God has this way of using other people’s sin to bless us. When we turn to Him with our questions, confusion, and tears in the aftermath of mistreatment, God does what Love – actual Love - always does. He steps into the pain and redeems it, displaying the love that always should have been.
See, there’s something to be said for the fact that Jesus chose us, and when we choose Him back, there is a covenantal union established. As Jesus’s Father, this makes God our in-law, and this makes Him especially able to fill in the gaps of our earthly in-laws.
He takes to heart what we say, following through on His promises and His words. He renews relationship with us often, triumphing and conquering over all our circumstances. He is benevolent, easy to talk with, gracious and sweet with His responses. He does not covet or hate that we have relationships with His other children, rather He encourages it, cheering us on as we forge new bonds.
He doesn’t prioritize His needs over ours, and He is not insecure in our love. He doesn’t compete for it, either! He seeks our best – His deepest desire is for us and our families to experience a full and thriving life. He does not scorn or despise us, the in-law. No, His love is free from pretense, falsehood, and deceit.
Our Heavenly In-Law is not a destructive force in our life.
Our In-Law in Heaven is the roof over our heads, protecting us from that which means to harm us. He believes in us, fully committing to one who is not His own flesh. He has confidence in the one whom His Son has chosen, and He gives credit to the character of us both.
The Love of our one and true In-Law waits on us with joy, considering us a good addition to His family. This In-Law Love remains, refusing to flee or recede. It lingers, dwells, and continues to be present.
Love does not fail.
Now this is important, so hear this.
Our earthly in-laws will fail. They are imperfect humans, and even if they wanted to aspire to love us like God loves us, they cannot do it perfectly.
Most people – including in-laws – are generally decent people. They are capable of great good, and they have the capacity for good love. When this is true – when your in-laws have a history of deep love for your partner and make an effort to display their desire for you as a couple to experience the best – there can be much grace and much possibility for a mismatch in both communication styles and love languages.
Sometimes, it really is a miscommunication!
When your mother-in-law suggests swaddling your infant differently, she really might be thinking, “I will do what I wish someone had done for me.” When your father-in-law attempts to write you a note of welcome, he really might be thinking, “I will do what I wish my family had done for my wife.” When your brother-in-law insists on only getting to know you through your spouse, perhaps he’s thinking, “I would be uncomfortable if someone tried to get to know me/, so I will act how I would want to be treated.”
When your sister-in-law sends you an ugly gift, she might have thought, “If my extended family didn’t know me, I’d rather open a gift than receive nothing at all.” When your aunt-in-law leaves you out of the family holiday plans, maybe she thought, “This wouldn’t matter to me, so it probably won’t matter to them.” And when your cousin-in-law dismisses your boundaries, maybe they are thinking, “I would never treat a person this way, so I will not treat them this way.”
I’m not saying any of this is right. And it’s not an excuse for poor behavior.**
In a family context where your in-laws have a history of wanting the best for your partner, we have the latitude to interpret miscommunications as just that – imperfect people doing their best to have relationship with us.
And the sting of an injured relationship remains real. Bruises hurt!
For those of us that experience family contexts where Love is not the standard, this is for you, too.
See, the Love of our Good In-Law extends to all situations in which love fails. It soothes bruises in the same way it performs open-heart surgery. It caresses scrapes with the same care as it treats bullet wounds, and it shows no partially between a cut and a scar.
So on this Valentine’s Day, when perhaps the love of your in-laws is non-existent and the hurt of this fresh, allow me to redirect your attention from that which should be to that which is.
The Lord adores any opportunity to send us a love note, so pay attention today – He’s waiting to fill the gap. Maybe from a parent or a sibling or a grandparent. Maybe from a friend or a church community or an extended family member. And maybe from an in-law.
Your desire to be loved in this relationship is good and holy and blessed.
Your grief at being cast aside, ignored, and worse is good and holy and blessed.
And your commitment to experiencing and pouring out Love as it was meant to be is the most sacred and righteous longing you could have.
You are loved, beloved in-law.
May that be the truth that colors and adorns your celebration of love today <3
*Names changed for my safety and their privacy.
**Poor behavior is one thing; abuse is another. When abuse is in the picture, it’s not just a miscommunication or mismanaged expectations. Please seek assistance from professionals who can help you navigate this wisely.
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